This post is mainly for me if I am honest. To document a huge turning point in both my life, and my mental health.
If it helps anybody else too then that’s amazing, but it is absolutely imperative that I mark down my progress and keep this blog updated with how I am doing. It is so easy to forget how far you have come sometimes.
Sorry if that is not of interest to everyone! I am back to writing again now due to how much it helps me unscramble my brain and relax so there will be lots of different stuff on here. Not just posts about my shitty mental health!
(Plus it’s my blog and I will post whatever I bloody want so ner!)
Anyway… “Nicki, what was the breakthrough?” I hear you ask eagerly. Well I will tell you, and try to explain in the simplest and quickest way possible. Which is not always possible with me!
I appreciate that I was born a sensitive soul, I truly believe we all come into this world with a personality in place. For example, from day one Savannah has been a sassy sausage. She was gurgling and making noises literally straight away, and while other babies had that new born vacant look, she was already pulling faces and smiling.
As soon as she could walk and talk she was assertive and strong in her personality, she knew her boundaries and ensured others knew them too. She was in other kids faces everywhere she went in order to be their friend. Nothing worried her or embarrassed her.
Now, at ten years old she is still the same.
As much as I believe we are born with a certain type of personality, I also know that upbringing and surroundings also greatly influence who we become and how we think. This is why I am very delicate with Savannah and make sure that, when I am either discipling her or advising her, I am clear on my reasons and make sure she fully understands what is happening. I don’t want to extinguish that amazing fire in her belly. I want the flames to grow and grow so by the time she hits adulthood, she is engulfed in a fire of self confidence and knows that she is enough, she is worthy, and she can be anything she wants to be.
On the complete opposite spectrum to Savannah, I have always been shy, awkward and insecure. I have a much more fragile ego and am VERY self conscious with VERY low self esteem and I have been this way for as long as I can remember.
I remember being extremely young and staring at my reflection in the mirror for lengths of time telling myself I was unworthy or ugly and wishing I was someone else. I would come home from school and go over everything that had happened that day and what I had said. Ridiculing myself for times I tried to be funny and wasn’t or said something stupid or gave the teacher an incorrect answer. The feelings of humiliation crippling me as I relived it.
It’s so sad to think I did this to myself and I have no idea where that way of thinking came from. As far as I know I have just always been that way.
Sadly life events, comments, and everything else in between have had an impact too. I don’t wish to go into details because it is too private (and this would be a book not a blog post!) but, I have not always had the best experiences in life.
I knew this already of course, I have always known I am carrying past trauma with me as I navigate through life, but the breakthrough came in learning exactly how it is affecting me and what trauma has caused my issues. By getting to the route of these specific causes, I am not only able to face them, draw a line under them, forgive and move on, I am also able to establish how these events have impacted me negatively, and what I need to do to stop it keep happening.
I have also learned that I ‘re-traumatise’ myself over and over by living in a cycle of self sabotage. Not knowing how to cope with certain feelings, triggers or situations, then turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb myself or try and manage those feelings. Be it food, alcohol, excessive spending or cigarettes.
I then feel crushing guilt and shame for what I have done which impacts my mental health. Only for me to do it again and again to numb myself to the internal pain I am feeling. I have never known any other way to deal with it, or truly realised WHY I am doing it.
It would just happen. The cycle of self sabotage.
I am learning that I feel an exceptional amount of guilt about everything I do from being a good mum to being a good colleague or friend. I am far too hard on myself and put too much pressure on myself.
Also, because of things that have happened to me, I believe I am not worthy of goodness, only bad.
I am carrying all this grief and trauma with me and I am exhausted and need to let it go. Make peace with the past , and start to rebuild and move forward.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
I am determined to recognise and stop the triggering thoughts in my head. I am determined to look after myself and nourish my soul with good habits instead of endless self sabotage. I am determined to get to a place where I love myself as much as I love those around me.
I want my next decade on earth to be more happy and peaceful. I want to push boundaries and show myself just what I can achieve when I work on my demons and lay them to rest.
I want to enjoy life to the fullest.
I’ve wasted too many years to unhappiness and that has to stop now.
If you have stuck with me to the end of this post, well done! And thanks! I am excited to make these changes and document them here.
I am planning on using this space as a diary so there will be other stuff on here too, I promise.
Bye for now. X